There is no amount of preparation that can make you ready the love of your life being deployed or for leaving the love of your life for a deployment. Ryan and I are trying to make the most of our last few weeks/months before he leaves, but we still have our days where it hits us and it hits us hard. Holding back tears, thinking of being alone, worrying about his safety, thinking about our future (finding a place to live, starting graduate school, making friends in a new place) are some of the things that have been consuming me. I can tell Ryan is worrying about things as well and that also worries me. Knowing that he has fears and concerns make me all the more upset. When I want to cry, I try to hold the tears back, but my body feels hot, almost out of breath…it’s a feeling I has always gotten when I hold back tears, but it is extremely hard to explain.
I am dreading the deployment with every ounce of my being even though I know that Ryan and I are strong enough to handle it and have a love that will keep us solid. I am already thinking of things to keep me busy – getting furniture to paint for the bedrooms, living room end tables/tv stand/coffee table, making a frame for our bed and a headboard (thanks to HGTV), scrapbooking, making card; I’m looking into jobs, college courses, possible vacations. I know me and I know I need to stay busy to keep from going insane. A summer of tears is not what I am looking for, even if it is what I am feeling right now. I know that there will be plenty of tears, which is to be expected from me i.e. “Mrs. Emotional”, but I am hoping to minimize them as much as possible and stay optimistic, active and super healthy and happy. I need to put effort into showing Ryan my love through old fashioned, traditional methods…letters! (On that note, if anyone knows of any wonderful stationary places, please let me know!)
I am sure there will be many more entries on deployment and I know they are not exactly the most upbeat of entries, but sometimes a girl just needs to write down what’s on her mind to feel a bit lighter.
I love my husband!