Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Warning: Parenting Rant

**This is a rant and completely out of character for me, but I am heated.

Lying is unacceptable in our house, but regardless of the consequences, little man continues to lie straight to our faces.  There is nothing that irritates me more than when someone knowingly and willingly lies.  I know children go through phases where they test their parents in various ways and lying is a very common phase, but I feel like 10 is a little early to be lying and not backing down or admitting you are lying at all costs.  It’s almost as if he believes the lie…and that scares me a lot.

I preach that honesty is vital in the family and that no matter what you do, we will always love you unconditionally.  We might not like the action and you will be in trouble, but we will always love you.  Our punishments are very reasonable – chores, no electronics, and “I’m sorry for…

I was a good kid…a really good kid…and I know that not of my children will be mini me’s, but if they could that would be awesome!  I’d be eternally grateful.  Little man is a sweet boy.  He talks in class, isn’t organized, “forgets” a lot…especially his homework; he is far from perfect, but he is sweet and generally a good boy.  The lying and failure to take responsibility that he has been demonstrating recently has instilled a bit of distrust in me.  I don’t want to doubt what he tells me, but I am starting to.  The story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf comes to mind.  Little man needs to know how important it is to tell the truth.  This lying stuff needs to stop now.

A letter came home from school saying that Jared said something, but he denies it up and down and has been crying since.  Is he crying because he is scared he is going to get in trouble or is he crying because he really didn’t do it and it being falsely blamed?  My hubby and I have decided to believe little man on this last escaped, but there is definitely reason to doubt.  If a letter comes home from school saying he did one thing and he denies it again, there will be consequences.  We met with his teachers today and they are not out to get him.  They recognize his strengths and know he is a sweet boy, but they also pinpointed his “dazed, I don’t know what you are talking about, wasn’t me, I’m guilty but I’m going to play dumb” face perfectly.  Apparently it comes out a lot at school.  They also stressed that he is extremely unorganized…that is a typical boy thing, but it is also typical of 10 year olds in general.  We are working on that.  The forgetting homework and lunch boxes, etc. needs to stop.  It stems back to the fact that he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions.  Things are never his fault, there is always a “but” to every story…it’s frustrating. 

I feel so lost and I hate this feeling of doubt, not knowing who to believe…the teacher or little man.  I’m starting to question if going back to work was a good idea or not.  I worked when he was younger and he was fine, but they I took off and went to grad school full time.  Grad school is work, but I was able to get him on and off the bus, do his homework with him, make dinner, etc.  Now that I am working again, hubby is home a lot more, makes dinner, etc., but I still can’t help but to blame myself partially for this.  I have to remind myself that he is a child of divorced parents, he is a 10 year old boy, he is not me, and that parenting takes lots of patience, humor and determination.  If there is one thing I am, I am determined.  I will make sure he knows that lying is NOT acceptable and if he lies again, it will have consequences.  We are going to do projects that enforce responsibility – they will revolve around his job to feed Lira, his toys.  Heck, I might go as far as to say if I tell you to pick up your toys and you don’t, then those toys aren’t yours anymore.  They might get donated, they might get put into a box and only when extra chores are done will he get them back… I don’t know what I am going to do, but actions need to be taken to instill responsibility and honesty.  I’m heated.  Sorry for the rant.

If you have any advice from personal experience with your kids or how your parents handled lying, please let me know.  I have a few books on hold at the library that I am hoping will enlighten me.
 
Much love.  

11 comments:

  1. Hmmm that is a tough one. What does your hubs say?

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  2. Oh girl. I am going through the same thing. Kids go through this faze. It'll pass. Just let him know that lying hurts peoples feelings and it is wrong.

    I am here for ya!

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  3. Man, I'm sorry the lying troubles continue. I don't remember my parents having to deal with lying. I'm not saying I NEVER lied as a child, but I didn't get in trouble much at school, mostly out of fear of consequences (now that I mention it, I remember HATING the word "consequences;" it was just an uncomfortable word). I'm you and your other half took it upon yourselves to go to the teachers and really listen to their side. No teacher walks into class hoping Little Johnny will do something to get in trouble so they can bust him, but so many parents these days assume as such and never back their teachers. I know you'll figure out a way to deal with this. Wishing you luck on this one.

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    1. Typically, hubby let's him defend himself. In the future, if we know little man is lying, we are going to tell him we know he is lying and this is the consequence. End of story. No debating. He is the kid, we are the parents.

      We are also going to reward good behavior.

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  4. First, this all sounds normal! My brothers are 10 and going through the same "disorganized" forgetfulness. NOTHING you do is really going to make it stop. It's a phase and after it there will be another.

    I worked with some kids that needed help organizing. Get a good planner for him like really good one. Maybe with stickers for assignments and a section for both personal life and school. You need to TEACH organization. Kids don't learn organization on their own. Check his planner. Make a family calendar maybe a dry eraser one and list his tests, homework up there too. For one student, their parents requested I send home reminders in advance for tests and big assignments. Eventually, it wasn't necessary though :) Maybe create rewards for good work (finished homework, etc). The biggest problem is parents have punishments, but no rewards.

    Last, I was a sneaky kid. I lied a lot. I would do anything to get out of getting punished. I still turned out okay ;)

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    1. Thank you for such a detailed comment. I am going to really work on organization and positive reinforcement at home with the hopes that he responds to it. He needs affirmation/compliments when he does well and I will definitely work on it. Last night we went through his binder and organized everything how his teacher suggested it be done. We have made a schedule to work on it once a week. Organization is a huge focus of the 5th grade.

      I know lying is typical and I don't thik there isn't hope for him. I just worry that I'm failing somewhere... Rewards for good behavior will definitely be stressed and followed through with.

      Thank you again for your comments!

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  5. You are a no reply blogger woman!!!

    And you can sign up as many times as you want :)

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    1. I have to figure out how to add that option I guess....sorry.

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  6. Your a great mom! Keep up the good work!

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    1. Thanks Chica! Caring is a good sign that you are doing something right :)

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  7. Sounds young, but if it makes you feel any better, my brother went through this phase around 10-11. (And again around 17, but that was due to an evil girlfriend, haha.)

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