A Much Needed Reminder

I haven’t been great at going to church lately.  I’m not proud of it, but I’m being honest.  Attending Mass had been on the backburner lately.  It all started a few months ago when week after week we left Mass feeling like we had just attending a political presentation.  I don’t go to Mass to hear political opinions.  Frankly, I hate hearing about politics during Mass.  I got discouraged and I was slightly embarrassed by the homilies.  It wasn’t good.  I decided to take a break for a little while and then I started feeling guilty for taking a break from Mass.  So, this past weekend Ryan and I went to Mass.  I prayed for a homily that would inspire us, speak to us and rejuvenate my spirit to come back to Mass.  Boy oh Boy, were my prayers heard alright! 

Father gave a beautiful homily on humility.  At times he went a little extreme and made it sound that accomplishments and success are to be looked down upon, which I completely disagree with because when you work hard and succeed, you should be proud of your accomplishments.  Not proud in a boasting, I’m better than you manner, but a healthy sense of accomplishment isn’t anything to be ashamed about in my opinion.  Father spoke about humility and how with humility comes a great love and appreciation for others.  When we are humble, we open our hearts to others, accept others, and understand others better because we aren’t judging, we aren’t competing and we don’t have a sense of entitlement.  He reminded us that only God knows the inner workings of our hearts.  Only God knows the motives behind each action.  Only God knows what we have experienced and how we have been impacted.  Only God truly knows who we are.  God is all-knowing and only God can truly judge us.

This homily was exactly what Ryan and I needed.  We can both become overly confident and judgmental at times.  It’s a definitely weakness of ours.  I’m grateful that we heard this beautiful homily and were reminded that we need the Lord in our life and we need to be more understanding and loving to all of humanity.  Only God knows what’s in our hearts. 

A Prayer for the Virtue of Humility:

Lord Jesus,

When You walked the earth, Your humility obscured Your Kingship. Your meekness confused the arrogant, Hindering them from grasping Your purpose, Your nobleness attending to the destitutes. Teach me to model after Your eminence, to subject my human nature to humility. Grant me a natural inclination to never view myself greater than anyone. Banish all lingering sparks of self-importance That could elevate me greater than You. Let my heart always imitate Your humility! Amen.

I definitely feel much more fulfilled after attending Mass.  It’s truly amazing how much my soul thrives off of experiencing the Mass.  It is who I am and I have been abandoning it for selfish reasons.  I am still learning and growing in my faith and understanding of how much my faith influences my life.  While Mass was lacking in my life, Prayer was very active.  Prayer is an integral part of my life, but not in a traditional sense.  I pray while I drive, I pray while I walk, I pray for people when I’m reminded of them by a smell, a song, a flower, an image, you name it.  Before I go to bed, I pray traditional prayers.  All day long, I pray nontraditionally, more conversational.  Before meals, I whisper a prayer of thanks.  Before dinner, we pray as a family.  When I see the moon, I pray one of my favorite prayers:

I see the moon.

The moon sees me.

God bless the moon

And God bless me.

Amen.

One reason I am super stoked to have kids is to teach them all the amazing children’s prayers out there today!  There are so many wonderful books that are packed full of beautiful prayers and stunning pictures!  One day…

Much love.

God loves you.

God loves you.  He will always love you. Don’t confuse this with God loving your actions because God does not love all of your actions.  This was the message that was enthusiastically delivered to my little sister’s group of confirmation candidates.   The bishop also spoke about the Holy Spirit descending upon the candidates and instilling in them special gifts, gifts that they will need in life.  These gifts are not generic, but rather extremely personal and specific to each individuals life purpose.  I felt special because I was reminded that I too have special gifts and while not everyone may appreciate me for who I am, I am this way for a reason and I should let myself shine and be confident in the woman I am, the beliefs I hold and the life I am creating.  The bishop did a wonderful job at connecting with the candidates and the entire congregation.  Regardless of faith or denomination, God loves us all and we are all special in our own unique way. It was truly a beautiful message.

Being confirmed is an extremely special moment for the confirmande and very emotional for the sponsor and parents.  I don’t know what came over me, but I was teary-eyed the entire Mass, but especially when she was Confirmed.  It was a very powerful moment for me. 

My little sister chose me to be her Confirmation Sponsor and I was beyond honored to fulfill that role in her life.  She is the sweetest, most genuine young lady that I know.  She’s free-thinking, has a silent confidence, is very independent yet is still in need of cuddles from her parents, and is extremely loving.  I admire her for being true to herself all the time.  She’s beautiful on the inside and out as you can see.

My family...well part of my them...proud of Miss Bonnie.   

Much love.

Working Mama...Balancing

Working gives me a sense of success and professionalism.  Filling the role of a mama makes me feel loved and special in that "you're so cool and amazing" kind of way that only a little kid can make you feel.  Both are fulfilling and challenging in their own ways, but achieving a perfect balance is the hardest part for me.  When I feel that work is taking too much of me, I immediately feel guilty for not being there for my family.  When family issues are consuming my life and mind, I feel distracted at work and guilty for my lack of performance.   Feeling guilty is virtually a constant in my life.  Some blame it on the old "Catholic guilt," but I know that it's because I care and feel...I care immensely and feel passionately about a lot of people and things.  It's part of who I am and I refuse to change.  It's actually one of my favorite personal attributes, along with my legs.

Recently, it's been worse.  I have been feeling guilty regardless of what I do.  If I get into a book and want to read during all my free time, I feel guilty for not spending more time with my family and friends.  I know that I need to nourish myself, but I cannot seem to personally accept a balance that satisfies all my responsibilities to my personal standards.  Maybe I am perfectionist?  Ok, I am a perfectionist.  I am also extremely hard on myself.  You know the phrase, You are your own worst critic? Well, that was written for me. 

From as far back as I can remember, I punished myself more than my parents ever punished me.  I was grounded once for jumping on the sandbox lid and denting it after 5:15 Mass on Saturday evening.  My father yelled at my brother and I.  I sent myself to my room without dinner, cried my heart out, wrote "I'm sorry" notes to my parents, put them on their pillows, and put myself to bed.  My parents have zero recollection of this which blatently points out it wasn't a big deal to them.  I however, remember it like it was yesterday.  On another occassion, I recented a "point," or a demeritt as most kids would know them as, for forgetting to get a Science test which I received a 99% (because I spelled Jupiter wrong).  I was so scared and burst into tears as I gave the slip to my dad to sign.  He looked at it and said, "What's this?"  I explained it to him inbetween sobs and shrugged, said it means absolutely nothing to him, and signed it. Once again, I remember this and my pops doesn't.  I have always expected the best out of myself in the sense that I give 100% effort and truly respect life; when I fail, I beat myself up worse than anyone else could.  

Right now...I feel as if I am failing miserably.  I feel dark inside and I hate it.  This isn't the person I am.  I am a happy, outgoing, spontaneous, life loving, carefree, determined, optimistic, creative, goofy, sometimes crazy, competitive as all get-out,  music lovin gal...you get the idea.  Right now I feel dull, judgmental, stressed, heavy and as if I can't break through a shell that's holding me down.  It is a horrible feeling and it's been haunting me for months.  I have been praying for an answer and have been beyond emotional when all I want is to feel like myself again.  Every now and then I see the light and run straight for it, but I seem to only catch a few rays before being pushed back into a haze.

Some have told me that all I have to do is "let go."  While I would love to "let go," I can't seem to accomplish it. Some of the few things that allow me to escape feeling guilty or down are reading and dancing. Since both are good for my mind and body, I have been focusing on them more and more, but I have been trying to be aware of my responsibilities and families' needs. 

I want to be a great mama, wife, friend, daughter and employee.  I know I am doing my best despite anyone's opinions, but I also know that I am capable of much more and I strive to find that light in me.  After writing this, the light is flickering in the distance...I can feel it.  Let the marathon begin!  I'm up for the challenge. It's amazing how powerful writing is for me.

For the lovely ladies (Ania), that wanted to see my sweet New Orleans Easter Earrings!

Much love.

Lenten Promise

Today is Ash Wednesday, marking the beginning of the Lenten season.  If you are not familiar with Lent, it lasts 40 days and 40 nights, ending on Easter morning with the resurrection of Jesus. Just as Jesus spent 40 days and nights praying in the dessert, many Christians will be reflecting on their lives and changing something.  Many give something up, while others add to their life.

This Lenten season, I will be doing two things.  First, I will be giving up sweets because a) I love them and they will be challenging to fore go, b) I don't need to indulge in chocolate daily. Second, I will be reading part of the bible and praying at least a decade of the rosary per day for a special intention.  I pray every evening, but I don't always pray with a purpose.  I am hoping that reading the bible will guide me in my actions and help me think and see life through clearer eyes. 

This Lenten season could not have come at a better time for me.  Reflection, clarity and a new outlook on life is something I need desperately. 

What are you doing this Lenten season? 

Much love.

A Welcomed Rainy Weekend

Isn't this face just irresistibly cute?!  Love Hawkeye!  He is the laziest male dog Lira takes laziest female dog I've ever seen, so having both of them together was very uneventful! 

Uneventful explains my entire weekend and it was glorious!  It rained on and off, wasn't too cold, but just cold enough to send a chill down your spine because of the dampness that hung in the air, and offered a wonderful excuse to stay in comfy clothing and read or watch football if you care about that stuff :) 

I am hooked on The Hunger Games series.  Yes, I know it isn't a challenging read, but since Wednesday afternoon I have read two books entirely and I am well into the third. That's what happens when the house is clean, you don't have a job, and it's raining outside!  Super exciting, I know!  (I'll write a review once I am done all of them, but so far, I highly recommend them to anyone looking for an exciting, easy read.)

A very successful Target trip, yoga, trip to Barnes & Noble, Mass and new friends made my weekend even better!  I love the feeling of a good deal and amazing new clothes and that's just what I got when I went to Target!  Two pairs of dress pants, a sweater, two shirts, a skirt, yoga pants, some Valentine's Day decorations, shoes, undershirts, sports bra and makeup for under $100!  Practically everything I purchased was 50-70% off!  I think I did very well!  

As for yoga...half moons and pyramids were hell for me.  I didn't feel it after I was done or the next morning, but while I was in the position, I was cursing my knees that hyper extend.  I am generally flexible, but those moves had it out for me this weekend.  Even with those moves, I love yoga and the lovely ladies that accompany me...Julia, Hannah and Heather, you all rock! 

Mass was very nice this weekend.  As some of you know, I can get very frustrated with priests when they force their opinions on me and when the topic of Abortion was mentioned during Father's homily, I immediately got tense.  To my great surprise, Father knocked it out of the ballpark!  He didn't turn it into a you're a horrible person if you have an abortion or you are killing a child or political debate.  Instead he spoke of the beauty of life, the ways individuals learn to make decisions and how our decisions impact those around us.  He told us to live by example and love everyone.  The more we love and care for others, the better the world will be.  If we are Christian, then we are forgiving; people make mistakes or regret decisions or not...regardless, as Christians, we need to be forgiving of all actions.  It was a touching homily and I felt blessed to hear it.  Thank you, Father Mario!

New friends are great, especially when they live across the street!  Since living in Virginia, I have met a ton of wonderful people and I am lucky to have added another great gal to my list of friends! 

Walks in the rain with little Lira and my love were plentiful!  Any excuse to wear my boots and I am all about it!  Gosh, they are great!

Ryan used coupons!!!  It was a proud moment! 

And they looked like twins aside from their difference in size of course!

I hope your weekend was wonderful!  Ryan is quite sad about the 49ers loss to the NY Giants, but that disappointment is nothing new to a Philadelphia fan. 

Oh and today I had an interview!  Please pray that I get a second one or the job!  Thank you in advance!

Much love.

Military Life

As I sit here with Lira on my lap waiting for an email, phone call, status change, anything to let me know that some company is potentially interested in employing me, I feel guilty and saddened.  If that is my only worry at the moment, I am in good shape.  I have very close friends and family that are deployed, adjusting to extreme weather conditions, thousands of miles away from family and friends, fighting for their marriages, struggling financially, hurt from the actions of others, and the list goes on. 

My heart and prayers go out to them all.

This week has left me praying in particular for military families.  The life of a military family is so different from the life of a nonmilitary family...at least from my perspective.  I wasn't raised military, but I am living military now and while it is not at all how I pictured my life...deployments, many lonely nights, nightmares, feeling like a single parent, holding down a house by myself knowing full well that if I can't do this we will suffer, waiting for emails and maybe a phone call...it's daily life for me and many others.  We have lots of joys too!  The reuniting is amazing, date nights are treasured, love letters, glances and dancing in the living room are musts to stay connected and feel the love.  Being a strong military spouse, makes you an even stronger individual.  

When Ryan deployed after we got married, I collapsed for a few days. (That's all I'd allow myself to do.)  Then I started working.  Something comes over you.  You know you have to be strong for yourself and for your spouse.  The last thing I wanted was for Ryan to have to worry about me.  I was fine.  I could do this.  I'd be there when he came home. End of story.

I hate to say this, but I feel that I have become less sensitive, tougher, almost meaner since marrying Ryan and becoming a military spouse.  It might just be an illusion and in fact I am stronger and more closed off because that is my coping mechanism.  I don't know, but I do know that I want to regain my true carefree, lover of all things mentality.  Life's  challenges mold the person you are.  I may have let me true character be affected too much by the struggles of the past 2 years.  I will make sure I regain my inner peace and love of life this year.  

We all have our own struggles, military or not, and they aren't fun in the least.  If we can overcome them, we are generally stronger for it.  I hope that whatever it is that you are struggling with at the moment is resolved and that you feel the comfort in the Lord.  Prayer is a beautiful.  It gets me through every single day of my life.

From the bottom of my heart, if you could please keep two special intentions in your prayers for me, I'll be forever grateful.  

If you'd like me to keep any special intentions for you, please let me know.  No details necessary, just the simple request.

Much love.

Mass

Mass was interesting this past Sunday...

Part 1:

...I listened to readings that touched me

Proverbs 31: 10-13, 19-20, 30-31

When one finds a worthy wife,

her value is far beyond pearls.
Her husband, entrusting his heart to her,
has an unfailing prize.
She brings him good, and not evil,
all the days of her life.
She obtains wool and flax
and works with loving hands.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her fingers ply the spindle.
She reaches out her hands to the poor,
and extends her arms to the needy.
Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting;
the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her a reward for her labors,
and let her works praise her at the city gates.

I would have selected that reading for my wedding if I would have thought of it.

Psalm 128: 1-5
R. (cf. 1a) Blessed are those who fear the Lord.

Blessed are you who fear the LORD,
who walk in his ways!
For you shall eat the fruit of your handiwork;
blessed shall you be, and favored.
R. Blessed are those who fear the Lord.
Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine
in the recesses of your home;
Your children like olive plants
around your table.
R. Blessed are those who fear the Lord.
Behold, thus is the man blessed
who fears the LORD.
The LORD bless you from Zion:
may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem
all the days of your life.
R. Blessed are those who fear the Lord.

Part 2:  This is a venting part...

...I was extremely disappointed by the priest's homily

I don't believe the pulpit is the place to speak about how you expect your parishioners to dress for Mass.  Regardless of attire, I believe that all are welcome in the house of God.  We were told that flip flops and shorts are not appropriate, yet I look around and see sweatpants and tight dresses.  My favorite old man wears an army jacket, sweatpants and sneakers every single Sunday and he is by far one of the most active participants at Mass.  In my opinion, speaking about what to wear and what not to wear only makes people feel unwelcome and that is the absolute LAST thing someone should feel when they walk into church. This isn't the first time that I have been utterly disappointed and frankly pissed at this particular priest...I literally sat there steaming for a good 15 minutes; it completely ruined Mass for me. 

He made a comment this summer about chewing gum and socializing after Mass.  I would estimate that 15% of the parishioners remain in their seats during communion, including my husband, and if they want to chew gum, let them chew gum.  It isn't hurting anyone.  As for the socializing, when parishioners speak to one another, there is a sense of community and belonging which I love!  I understand that some people stay after Mass to pray, my granny being one of them, and I doubt they mind five minutes of chatter.  Rarely do people stay in church and chat for more than 5 minutes without moving outside. 

Maybe I am overreacting, but it's been bothering me and I needed to get it off my chest.  Sorry readers.  Any and all opinions are welcome. 

much love.

Doing My Best...

Being a stepmom is challenging at times, especially when you have expectations of proper behavior.  Since J-man moved in with us the summer, we, my husband/his father and I, have been trying to instill proper manners and life lessons.  Please and Thank you are the obvious ones that we remind him of constantly, but there are bigger issues such as interrupting when people are speaking and starting sentences with "Not to be mean...".  I understand kids get excited and want to tell you something immediately, but patience is a virtue and interrupting a conversation without the words excuse me is rude.  I'm trying to instill the simple rule of if you start a sentence with not to be mean then you shouldn't say the sentence at all because the sentence is most likely mean and therefore should not be voiced.

There is a difference between raising a child from birth or a very young age and becoming a parental figure when they are much older.  I cannot relate to how he feels because I had an extremely stable childhood, but I am trying my best at making sure I am understanding of his emotions and life changes while creating a stable and loving environment.  I am very proud of how well he is doing and the progress he is making.

Honesty is key in our family.  I will not stand for lies and he knows that now.  Secretly, it cracks me up that he thinks he can actually get away with telling a lie to me. Umm, sorry kid, but your entire face says "I'm telling a lie right now."  We had a conversation about honesty a few days ago and I used the story of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf."   I think it worked because we were able to relate it to other actions later in the week. 

We say grace before meals every night and we take turns - Ryan and I used to take turns, but now Jared joins in.  At first he was really nervous about messing up, but we explained to him that there isn't a right or a wrong way to pray and that any conversation with God is good.  We try to incorporate the four types of prayer as well: (1) Blessing and Adoration (praising God), (2) Prayer of Petition (asking for what we need, including forgiveness), (3) Prayer of Intercession (asking for what others need), (4) Prayer of Thanksgiving (for what God has given and done).  This is a subtle way of instilling prayer and the constant presence of God in our child's life, but over the past few months it seems to be working.  He is much more eager to say grace, asks about bible stories, tells me something he reads or sees is like this biblical story!  When we go to church we have him bring his children's bible and he reads the passages. 

I don't want you to think our little man is a bad kid because by no means is he.  I am just expressing my challenges of being a stepmom and how important it is to me to raise a stellar little human who has a strong relationship with God, is honest, has manners that people will notice, and really understands what is means to live a good life.

The other night we were driving home a little later than normal and he started asking me about what I pray for. I think he was taken aback when I told him I pray for the ability to be the best stepmama for him and I ask God for help to be a better person, wife, friend, mom, daughter, because he told me I was great already!  It was adorable.  Every time he asks me about something that we talked about a few days/weeks before, I melt inside because I know he is listening and caring. 

Much love.